Same for women who refuse to engage in sex with their partners. Now when it comes to my receiving oral sex to orgasm? Even if he cant accept the divorce is coming!!! Career-wise, shes doing better than me, so hes likely out-of-my-league anyway. My point is, most of the sexless marriage problems are from the man not ruling. Isnt going to happen. :(, Wow Chris D!! Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. Semi handsome for an old guy. Talk about a double standard! It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? Our sexual problems are much more complex because I have accepted the fact that she really wants to be intimate but the cost is too high. Reaching orgasm can become difficult or seem impossible.". Between her legs the next time.4, stop watching porn if you know this makes her feel uncomfortable as we all know when men watch porn that will lead into you not being able to get it up for her because you have been watching photoshops porn and all you want is that fake lady so you go out and cheat on your wife then come home and accuse her of cheating and thats why she is not having sex with you. Lets separate then.NO! Have affairs and visit escorts. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? All rights reserved. . We have been together since the 80s and there is No ONE else I want to be with. This whole situation sucks for all of us. Here are some possible openings finesse one or more of these to fit your comfort and style: I strongly suggest that you see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor for guidance. If your vagina is dry, find out why. If he wont go, go on your own to express your feelings fully and evaluate whether you want to be in this marriage and, if so, what can be done to improve it. 10 year sexless marriage. Estrogen levels drop while a woman is transitioning into menopause, which can cause vaginal dryness and cause sex to be painful or just downright uncomfortable. For example, depression, as well as the medication used to manage it, can take a toll on ones libido. Whats more, you are not doomed to be in a sexless marriage! After having surgery 2 years ago for testicular cancer my wife wont touch me. Im leaving when I can stash away the cash. What to do about it: Make sure your wife knows you see her as a sexy beingcompliment her often, give her simmering kisses and affectionate touch, and do these things without tying the gestures to requests for sex. If theyve been fighting the whole day, physical intimacy is the last thing on their mind. Just arent attracted to him anymore? You need to find a woman who respects you and wants to be intimate with you on a consistent basis. My wife determined several years ago that she no longer has that connection to me, and will eventually leave. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. Especially because . I hope this is helpful to someone. It will resotre his body as well and make you hapoier. found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. . Because I have no suggestions as to how to change things. Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. Woman think if they dont want a penis inside them that thats it, no sex. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. I have the same problem and there isnt a answer. I havent found a way to replace that feeling of a man. If your sex life is devoid of experimenting with new sexual positions, role play, dressing up, creating a sensual ambiance, theres a chance that the same sexual routine has become boring and tiresome for your wife and she has started avoiding all physical contact. I have suffered from severe sexual dysfunctions all my life, since I started having sex as a teen. He snores so he sleeps in his own bedroom. Shes my buddy. Research shows that sexual communication was. I am aware of the risks, and am more than willing to live with them, rather than go back to how I was before. That was 20 years ago. Does your wife deal with mental health struggles or clinical depression? Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. My sex drive is strong but now my boyfriend, who is 5 years older than me, is on hypertension medicine and his testosterone is on the last number of normal. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. If she senses youre blaming her for something, shell go on the defensive. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. For many men, wooing and life after wooing are two vastly different realities. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Empathy builds into emotional intimacy, and often this is what she needs first before opening up to something physical. He doesn't feel confident about his body. If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. There is only so much I can fantasize masturbate and flirt. Monica..give her satisfaction .. that is exactly what I would love to do for my wife of 30 years. As your wife pushes you away, you might feel tempted to use porn, but porn robs you of genuine desire for your wife. Should they swallow it just to make you feel good? And lastly, dont discount masturbation as a solution. We have been married 41 years. Choosing a date of the week for example, in which she will be the one to request it. I have the same problem, my wife and I are 73 years old, 7years ago she told me she no longer had an interest in sex, so,it has been 7 dry years, she told me I was free to,find someone to have sexy with!! Im 47 and this happened to me. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. The less stressed she is, the more free space she has in her mind to devote to all things naughty. we always believe that we are being judged . Then we got married and had kids (not that I regret) but 20 years of pulling teeth juts to get touched or even desired really hurts. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. Yet we are burdened with the biologically and Darwinian drive to procreate. You said, So my question to the men here. Color me confused. Be caring. She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. You may be ok with the situation youve created.. thats one thing, but to act as though youre merely tolerating the situation as a martyr is pure BS. "The identity of a young parent can become entirely entwined with that of the children. So its a trope that the man is always the one with the higher desire and the one left frustrated. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. She didnt. But on the other side Id the coin, Im dying for not having any kind of touch. Genuinely compliment your wife and make her feel sexy again. She refuses to talk about it. Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. Any discussion goes nowhere. A sexologist is not going to be able to overcome a lack or imbalance of hormones. So I know him well, this is extremely painful and heartbreaking. For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. He sits around the house and watches tv all day long. Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. I feared marriage for tears because I knew this is what it would be. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things. My wife and I have been in couples therapy now for about 3 years, and while it has helped our relationship a lot, nothing going on sexually. The marriage is fine except for the sex. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). so that leaves to so totally frustrated angry resentful and I hate to say it but it is beginning to I think turn to I hate her. You have (understandable) guilt and shame about sex, undoubtedly influenced by your current predicament and the old trauma of feeling rejected during your first long-term partnership. Help her through this transition andensure that she feels confident, no matter what changes her body has gone through. Another way to improve lack of sexual desire is to change things up in the bedroom. Also, expand your definition of sex. I think it is true that having sex with your partner is part and parcel of the love you feel for each other otherwise it just seems to fade. I understand that some people accept this type of relationship and just crave a good friend and companion for the rest of their life. Is the meds freak Im a woman that actually wants it my newlywed husband has no interest but I can tell he feels bad but hes ex military so hes to prideful to get pills Im 41 i been told a lot that Im beautiful .. ok not going there but I know Im a catch but even making him food in a nighty doesnt work he says wow babe thanks am like . Were just a hole for your pole . We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. Hope now your problem will be solved. My first wife and I married when we were 21. Anyway, I simply want you to know that as many women as men are trapped in this sadness. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. But, do not sell yourself. Here are some reasons you can try if your wife doesnt initiate intimacy with you and you want her to be intimate. We were both virgins when we married. But, if we actually *wish* to engage our brains, we do have the brains that God gave us, the brains through with which we can engage in thoughtful interpretation of facts. She tricked me, I fell in love, we have 4 grown awesome me, the model relationship in our large family. I miss the simple things. Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. Once you've looked at yourself, talk to her and pay attention to how she's feeling. My wife of 43 years has no need for sex except very infrequently and then only quick missionary. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. My husband and I both have gained weight. Where is their allegiance to you? Really, I may as well just be rooming with a friend at this point in the game. She would use the excuse of my children may interrupt, although I would point out we have a lock on the door. Fun-loving, Honest and Straightforward. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. I only wrote this, to just say it. So no, this was not the place to blow your horn. Best of luck to you! Married 23 years. I knew I had to do something. Yes. To send your questions directly to Joan, email [email protected]. And Ive been caught too. Our sex life slowed, separated, and each found partners. }; With my wife it was menopause. I am a married woman of 69 and my husband (also 69) lost all interest in sex quite some time ago. I wish we were closer because I would love to meet you. Ive always wanted sex more than she has, though the first years were pretty satisfying for both of us. I am new to this. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. Perhaps your husband, as well as a few troglodytes posting here, are in need of some attitude adjustments, but you shouldnt paint all men with the same brush. Juggling household and professional responsibilities single-handedly is no easy feat. One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! He feels unwanted or unappreciated. She has become a roommate and a friend, but not a wife that gives me the joy and love we used to have. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . Why waste your money and time on hookerd? I have always been an affectionate person and have given affection but not received in return for at least a year. But when I try to go to the next level. Pls look this up to see if this is you. Trying to feel sexual and struggle through it and pretend is so hard, and brings me only sadness that I have to pretend after years of being honest. Now its more about independence- Im tired of living in my spouses value system . We often have no relationship with our partner outside of that shared with the children," OB/GYN Susan Hardwick-Smith, M.D., writes in her book Sexually Woke. I just dont get it. Nope no sex. Are you crazy? 2. Also shes happy without sex after her hysterectomy and gal bladder surgery. I think it was a relief for him because he was not much into sex. Sex is supposed to be for the mutual benefit of both partners, not one person using the other. As I explained before on seniorplanet.org, spontaneous desire just happens, while responsive desire only happens after a womans body starts getting aroused. It makes me sad, and we have talked it out and sadly there is just too much sadness and pain in our relationship for this situation to ever be resolved. But it will quickly fade again once their needs are met. I have always loved sex with my hubby, but after menopause, that all changed for the worse. Marital counseling can help couples identify underlying conflicts and improve their communication skills. For the writer of this letter/question . I am desperate. That killed it for me. Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! Avoiding divorce, men have two choices, acceptance/celibacy or cheating. Getting out of the friend zone with your wife will require you to find another zone for yourself. Is this the case with your guy or does he nave no urges at all? Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. Husband even can not touch her, let alone touch to arouse her. Doing that just causes me to be resentful of her, and the fact that Im now reduced to doing this nasty little juvenile thing for myself. Im 69 and still active. There are many reasons. Have some fun with someone now and then would help .. any reply on if cheating what to look at to find someone Where???? She always had 2 orgasms before me. Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship? My grandma used to tell me, You cant fix broken people. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. Figures, right? Now ASAP get a life please. Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it. You need boundaries to actively live yours in a healthy manner without them in your bedroom. You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. They learn to accept the situation and carry on with life. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. My wife never touches me anymore after weve had our child, Greg told us. 2. Weve been married for 37 years. Now whats so hard about that. Its a two-way street as are most things in marriage. If youre living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. I could care less what he says or does. I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably wont want her to anymore. Females are elevated to the superior status of the male they pair with the reverse is not true receive the protection and provisioning of that male, and enjoy the primary bond with the children. I know that feeling of the Phone etc being more important. Be patient with her as she works on herself, and the two of you refocus on your marriage. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! My Boyfriend Doesn't Seem Interested in Me Sexually Anymore: 11 Reasons He's Lost Interest 1. Make time when you are both relaxed. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable.